I took my pregnancy test on a Monday morning. I got in the shower to kill the three minutes needed to determine the results. I had peed on a stick once a day for the past four days. I was three days late. I stepped out of the shower. I saw two faint pink lines. I cried. I dropped to my knees in the bathroom floor, my towel wrapped around my head in my pink bath robe. I told the Lord thank you for answering my prayers. Once I composed myself, I continued my morning routine, and dressed for work. I laid my daughter’s clothes out and woke my husband. When he drug himself from bed, I showed him the test. We kissed and hugged in excitement. The next two days, we text names of our new baby to each other.
On Wednesday, I started my period. I tried to ignore it, act like it was normal. I wouldn’t even wear a pad or tampon. Thursday, I could not ignore the bleeding any longer. I called my obgyn. They wanted me to come in and “run some tests”. The urine test they gave me said negative. It was a very confusing appointment. there was a lot of insurance and coding talk i did not understand. The next morning, I went to work and waited all day for my test results. At 3:00 in the afternoon, I had not heard from the doctor. I decided to call my home phone and listen to the voice mails. They had called at 8:00 that morning. Why didn’t they call my cell phone? My hcg levels were 11. (Anything above 5 is consider pregnant) I was very confused but excited! I had to wait a week to have blood drawn again. When they called with my results, my levels showed I was no longer pregnant. I was crushed.
People have always asked, “when are you going to have another one,” or “when are going to have us a little boy?” That was my plan all along. My plan was to be finished having my babies by now. I was supposed to be able to get back into shape for good. I was supposed to be able to start my career for good. My little girl was supposed to be a big sister by the time she turned two. I was supposed to have a son by now. my Facebook and instagram feeds are filled with ultrasound pictures, gender announcements, and hospital pictures. Its hard to deal with the disappointment when I have to buy Kotex the 14th of every month. It is hard to deal every time my mother in law asks me if I have any news for her this month; if i have been trying this month. MY MOTHER IN LAW bought me three pregnancy tests that were wasted with negative results.
Before I had my miscarriage, I would ask people, “when are you going to have us another little baby?” I would take those nosey questions back if I could. I would not want to tear someone down, not knowing their circumstances.
We have been trying for several months now. And there are people who have been trying for longer. I commend you. You are strong and beautiful.